I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
