It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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