Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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