Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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