Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
