I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
