I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
