But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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