Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
