i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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