He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
