it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
