i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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