It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
