You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Michael Bay diarrhea
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
