Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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