I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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