i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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