i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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