I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
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He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
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Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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