I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
