does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
