the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Who died my cat blue again?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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