bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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