I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
