where does the pee come out of this thing
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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