we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
The best revenge is premature balding
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
