my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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