apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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