so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Everyone says I win the strip club
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
