Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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