There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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