The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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