I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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