just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
