So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
