I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
false alarm, still single
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
