is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
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I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
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Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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