The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
