I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
