Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
