Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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