Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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