The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
