sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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