Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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