I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
