Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
