I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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