She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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