Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I am spending my child support on dildos
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I have feelings that need drinking.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
