He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
