i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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