The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
